Episode three of season nine, why must you be so cruel? WHY?? My goodness, I can hardly bear it. How did we end up here? Well, I’ll tell you…

After a quick check-in with our sweet little angel, Castiel, and a couple of smited clergy hanging from a fence, we learn that Cas is having a bit of a hard go of it eating toothpaste and tiring of urinating. Also, he is going by Clarence, which makes him even more sweet. Even if Dean hasn’t seen “It’s A Wonderful Life”. Oh, Dean.

After pouring coffee from a fancy coffee pot, Dean receives bacon and eggs from his super healthy, chipper brother. Sammy looks so good! Of course, that’s because of Ezekiel, who pops in to warn Dean of the angels out for Castiel’s hide, and more blahblahblah backstory. Dean decides that it’s been a bit too long since they’ve heard from Cas, and decides something must be done!

In the meantime, Bartholomew, Dead Naomi’s protege, has taken advantage of a online preacher to help his fellow angels find vessels, and we get see what happens when a weak vessel takes in an angel. It’s pretty gruesome, pretty awesome, and quite disturbing to our fair preacher man.

So while Castiel is surviving on beans in a can and shanking angels who are hunting him, Sam and Dean are hot on his trail. ‘Cause that’s what they do!

Fighting hunger, Cas takes his last few dollars and gets himself an Enochian tattoo to shield him from the angels. And once the angels figure out that Cas is off the map, Bartholomew enlists freelance reapers to track him down. Freelance reapers! Who knew?

Cas, being the good angel that he is, doesn’t steal any of the street meat he is salivating over, and resorts to digging for pickles in the dumpsters. This is where he is befriended by a lovely young good Samaritan named April. Or is she?

This is where things get shady. Because I tell  you, if I lost my mind for a minute and brought some wet (probably stinky), hungry, bloody vagrant into my home, I certainly wouldn’t get all freaky with him. Even if he is as handsome as Castiel. At least, I hope I wouldn’t! And after a several rolls in the hay, a sleepy morning Cas is rudely awakened to the fact that his angel blade is missing, and he has bedded one of those freelance reapers.

So of course instead of just killing him, April ties up our sweet angel and monologues…

Meanwhile, Dean summons Ezekiel to track down April, and our beautiful boys bust in just in the nick of time! WooHoo! Except, it’s not really the nick of time, because once Sam and Dean show up, April jams Castiel’s angel blade right into his gut. Dead Cas! Noooooo.

Dean grabs the angel blade and kills April, and Ezekiel shows up one more time to revive our sweet Cas. Hooray!

Dean does a little tapdance to cover for Ezekiel, something that is gonna get old pretty soon, people. And the boys bring Cas back to the MoL lair, where he settles in quite quickly, enjoying burritos and hot showers.

Dean: “So, did you have protection?”

Castiel: “I had my angel blade.”

HEE.

And then. AND THEN, Ezekiel pulls his first truly dick move, and insists that Castiel is not allowed to stay. Dean fights for Cas, who he now considers family (Awwww!), but Ezekiel insists, using the threat of leaving a broken Sammy behind. So Dean goes and breaks that sweet little angels heart. Busts it WIDE open. I mean, can you even look at that sad face? Horrible!

Damn you, Carver!

You know I hate it when my boys fight, but it happens every season. This one is particularly heartbreaking. *sigh*

Next! Charlie returns, and they get their Wizard of Oz on. I can’t wait to see how they pull this off.