It was a bit surreal seeing Jack and Chloe in New York, I must admit, after so many seasons in Los Angeles and then a brief detour to Washington, D.C., last year.
D.C. wasn’t so odd, considering the president always played a major role and, you know, the president spends more time in D.C. than in Los Angeles in the real world. Not that the real world has ever held much sway over the events on 24.
For a while, it seemed CTU had managed to do the impossible: Find a director who outshone Erin Driscoll and Ryan Chappelle in his utter hard-headedness and inability to listen to Jack or Chloe.
By the end of hour four, however, Hastings proved he might turn out to be a CTU director more in the Bill Buchanan (R.I.P.) mold: Once he was proven wrong, he realized the error of his ways, apologized to Jack and Chloe and will be their best ally now.
But I get ahead of myself.
The story so far: The president of “The Islamic Republic” is being set up for an assassination attempt by his brother, via the Russian Mafia. Yes. His brother, who has the worst hair on TV since the 70s (nickname: Hairbib Schwartzmann, as he looks remarkably like Jason Schwartzmann, albeit with worse hair) makes Wayne Palmer seem like the best presidential brother in the world now.
When the brother hasn’t yet been found out, but is afraid he will be, he stabs a guy in the neck and runs away, his sister-in-law and niece shrieking in dismay.
Did I mention that the aforementioned Islamic Republic President is having an affair with Jessica Stein? Really. And he seems to love her. This affair led to red herring No. 1 for the season.
Red Herring No. 2 was when Jack got to the house where Davros, the Russian hit man in charge of killing the IR’s president, had killed a cop and his wife not long before and Herc from The Wire shows up and is REALLY pissed off. So he decides to tie up and beat the crap out of the one man on the planet you should never do that to: Jack Bauer.
Jack, tied to a chair, knocked out and punched around, manages to regain his consciousness just in time to attack Herc and break his ribs. I love Jack Bauer.
Fortunately, Herc’s partner isn’t a moron and his Spidey sense tells him Jack’s telling the truth about some plot to blow up the United Nations.
Fast forward, the good cop ends up driving Jack to the U.N. from Queens via the Queens-Midtown wormhole. But even the presence of an anomaly that bends space and time isn’t going to get them there fast enough, so Jack transfers his special brand of insanity via cell phone (there’s an app for that) to Sarah Michele Gellar’s husband, who immediately drives like a maniac to put his car in the path of the IR’s president’s limo so that his car gets blown up and he saves the day.
Everyone except the guy with a pen in his neck survives. Oh, and Davros, who gets the drop on Mr. Gellar but is shot from behind by Jack.
Did I mention that Jack is waiting for his Super Shuttle ride to JFK so he can move back to Los Angeles with Kim? And Kim ends up being the one to convince him to stay behind in New York and save the world because there sure as hell isn’t anyone else who can do it? Kim, by the way, is married to the good vampire from The Vampire Diaries. True story. I don’t think she’s been turned yet. Either that, or she’s a daywalker.
This leaves but two storylines yet unmentioned:
• Starbuck. She may be a mole. Or a Cylon. Either way, she’s engaged to Freddie Prinze “Chico” Jr. and is also being blackmailed by her ex-boyfriend, who just got out of prison. Her name isn’t actually Dana, it’s Jenny, and her ex definitely has her number. And it’s definitely not 867-5309. And now he’s staying at her apartment. And some guy named Arlo is hitting on her at work. No, really. This is this season’s cougar storyline. Look, I love Katee Sackhoff, really I do. But this character and storyline makes me want to bang my head against a wall. Repeatedly. In the first season, the Kim Bauer storyline was stupid at first, but was integral to the overall plot. But starting with Season 2, this show has had a side plot, often involving Kim, which is so stupid and has nothing to do with anything (Chase’s baby?) that it makes you want to just say, WHAT?
• Renee “Red Hot” Walker.
There was little doubt at the end of last season that she was the heir to the Jack Bauer legacy. Though she didn’t show up until Hour 4 this season, she reinforced it in more ways than one.
First off, she’s haunted by what she’s done.
Second, she’s basically been forced out of her job, albeit voluntarily, because she had a hard time not killing a supervisor during a debriefing.
Third, SHE CUT A MAN’S HAND OFF. Sure, she didn’t use a hacksaw, but she used what was handy. In fact, wasn’t that a portable sander? And she did have the presence of mind to suggest to Jack that he cauterize the wound so our connection to Vladimir (Leoben!), head of the Russian Mob wouldn’t, you know, die.
And that, my friends, is why I love this show.
Thoughts? Questions? Disagreements?
Full disclosure: First image via FOX Television. Second image masterfully ‘shopped by my friend and yours, Adam of The Jack Sack.